This is going to be a whiny post. I apologize in advance, but since I’ve written just a few whiny posts these past 7 months I think there is room for some whining. In a recent blogpost I described creativity as my superpower. I kind of think of it as I create, therefore I am, as René Descartes would have said it (had he not perished in the cold of Stockholm back in 1650, that is). But is everything about creativity good? Is it all fun and games? No, of course not, and in this post I’ll be explaining why.
When I went to high school [in Swedish: gymnasiet] there was this old saying that:
- Enough sleep
- A social life
- Good grades
You can only pick two of the above! (I got at least decent grades but failed with the rest, but that’s a topic for another blogpost.) Why am I mentioning this …? Because that’s still what my life looks like! Just replace good grades with successful career. But it’s getting worse.
I must still balance life between getting enough sleep, being creative and doing all the things I love to do, having a social life, managing my career (not sure you can call it a career any longer, but I’m doing my best to show the world that I’m actually able to do at least something), and on top of that I’m trying to handle my ailing health, which has already deprived me of my ability to speak, and now is looking for other parts of my body to break down. You can only choose two. Or maybe none.
There are days when I curse my creativity; when I curse getting ideas for a whole bunch of new songs, and a new novel that I want to write. I curse having so many interests and wanting to learn new things. I curse wanting to read about politics, economics, law, statistics, history, and of course everything related to music and sound engineering. The day doesn’t have enough hours. I curse being such a bad friend. I curse not being able to socialize; I see my Facebook friends leaving me in a steady stream, but despite my best efforts I haven’t been able to manage to be the friend that they expected. I can somewhat see why I’m no longer being interesting as a friend, since I’ve used the little energy I have to make music and reading books.
There are days when I curse it all, and wish I was a person completely without any ambitions other than wanting to lay on the couch and watch Netflix. That would have made my life so much easier.
Johan Lindbäck 